You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
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