There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I'm passing your future prison.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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