Plan B is the new Plan A
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
