May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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