I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Randomize
