I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
