This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
