Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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