The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
