he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Randomize
