found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
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