He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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