does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
