a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
