I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
