Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
you have to choose: penises or morals?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
