I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
