I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Randomize
