Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Randomize
