Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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