How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
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