Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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