I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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