I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
