Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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