I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
