Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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