My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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