cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
