so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
