dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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