Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Randomize
