i wish starbucks made bloody marys
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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