I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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