just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
