yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
