i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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