i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
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Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
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I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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