he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
We had sex on a dog bed..
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
