i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
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