Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you