maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
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no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
It's never too late to be topless.
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And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar