I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend