I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Every concussion has its silver lining
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Randomize
