im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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