I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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