I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
