you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
