Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
