Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I'm both gender and math confused
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize