paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
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