you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
