Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Randomize
