he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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