Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
