just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
